Funny google searches

These really make me laugh, although I know I should probably take these more seriously. I wish phone numbers or email addresses were attached to visitors IP addresses. Then, I could kindly direct them to more appropriate places for help.

1. Like this poor soul who wants to know if ice cold soda (nice try) can really burn calories. So google sends them here. (See number 12 for more on this weight-loss themed search.)
2. And what kind of guys asks, How to hypnotize my wife. Lucky for his wife, google sent him to my post about giving your wife belly dance lessons. Now she can hypnotize him. Isn’t google just so clever?
3. Optimism seems to be a recurring theme among my google searchers. No where is this more evident that in the brave soul who actually typed, How to make a great sleepover awesome, and soon quickly learned that there are actually 13 reasons not to host a sleepover. I do hope they made other plans, and did something simple and shorter, and took the kids to a movie instead. When I go to sleep at night, I like to think that I at least spared some fellow-human being the trauma of a good sleepover.
4. This one has me puzzled. A person actually typed in the google search bar: skunk biological clock. This confused even google, as yes, it was a skunk, and yes, I do have a new biological clock. Any takes on what they were searching for can be left in the comments. I’m puzzled. Maybe they were breeding skunks? Thank goodness, someone did search this exact phrase: “how to get rid of skunk smell from being run over by your car.” I don’t know anything about smell that runs over by your car, but I hope they got a good laugh about the whole thing.
5. What are the chances that someone else would actually have an “opossum sleeping in their garage too? ” I wish this person would have commented. We could have bonded… we have so much in common.
6. Another person wants to know “how to make a person dream about someone.” Desperate measures lead her to how to make a dream come true. Later that same day, someone else typed, “I saw my dead mother.” Odd, don’t you think, that the person went to the computer with that information?
7. I know those neti pots can really get complicated… you know, mixing the salt water, getting the water temperature just right, and then actually tilting your head parallel and holding it parallel while your pour the salt water up your nostril. But what really did go wrong when the person on the other end of the computer typed, things that can go wrong using a Neti Pot? I shudder to think of the horror the befell the pour soul.
8. One search always amazes me, not because it’s a weird search or anything, but because this search is so popular, and so constant. No matter what month it is, or how far we are away from Christmas, a few people, mostly from Europe, pop in with this search: “Scientific proof that Santa Exists.” What’s up? Are scientists actively working on this? The answer is obvious… I’ve outlined it all here in black and white. There is no need to spend more of our precious resources on solving this question.
9. There were the kids who flooded google with this search in December, Where does my Mom hide my presents. Here, I gave away all the answers as kids across the world began looking under their beds. At least the dust bunnies were cleared out before Christmas morning. I admit, I am a little ashamed of myself for giving away all the secrets. I thought I was trying to help.
10. I wonder if this was the same kid who misspelled this search, “How ot kiss.” Of course, I explained it all.
11. Who would even want “an adult Pinocchio costume?” Get a grip. Pinocchio is a kid. Try Geppetto.
12. This hopeful searcher asks google simply, How can I burn calories without even knowing it? Could be the same guy who typed, how to cook meat bloody red. While another searcher, gets straight to the point and wants to know, is sex the best way to burn calories? Is this the same as burning calories without even knowing it?
13. The whole search string ended when someone typed, “What do you wear under yoga pants?